Sound of Surprises

Into the clouds of happiness, you must be flying free,
With new hopes and comfort, when you swim around the sea,
Did you ever realize, a dead fish floating on?
Did you ever really have, time to remember me?

I lie around the same bed, that I used to sleep,
I come across the bitches that I used to trip,
I still think about days, when ‘I’ and ‘you’ were ‘we’,
Did you ever really have, time to remember me?

It was meant to be ended; it turned to be a sad song,
And I kept on asking, where did I go wrong?
All that lives in between, Is the murmuring of breath,
And I kept on asking, why did it take so long?

And sometime how much I miss, the person we used to be,
Sometime, how much life gives to learn, live and see?
And with all those memories that fly away from you,
Did you ever really have, time to remember me?

(Written by: Shwadhin, Feb 8, 2012)

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The Final Goodbye

I could put my heart on hand,
Could let my tears drop on land,
I could close my eyes forever,
But can't forget where I stand.

Lost the dream of living with you,
I have lost my heart and soul,
Questioning where did I go so wrong,
Fucked off enough to loose control.

I can't make you understand,
How it hurts to see you go,
Lonely, insane and paranoid,
Probably I should learn to grow.

Isn't love all about change and care?
Heart does go through wear and tear,
If leaving you is like living you,
Delete the memories that we share.

Those years that kept us alive,
Has no meaning to your callous heart,
Your ego won't let you come to me,
And you are fine with living apart.

With all my heart that takes your name,
I let you go but I will cry,
You will always be my part,
And thanks for bidding that final Goodbye.

(Written by: Shwadhin Sharma, Jan 30th, 2012)

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The Illusion

Sometime you focus so much on what is wrong that you forget what is right. This happens plenty of times in a relationship. I am no stranger to giving up or drowning in a relationship. It has sometime taken out the best of me and sometime the worst of me. I am grateful to everything that happened in my life and grateful to everyone that stuck by me when I needed them and also, when I was never needed to them. Today, I am trying to look what was (and still is) right in my relationship (with everyone) rather than what was/went wrong.

I am not perfect. I will never be. I might ask for perfection when it comes to doing things but in relationship I fail miserably. I want to change the person that loves me as I am. I know my demerits. I know the dark side of me. But I know, I have change over time. I have slowly known the value of everything around me and have started appreciating it as it is. Not that I do not lose my mind now and then but yes, I have changed for better than worst.

Somewhere I read that “Sometimes We Expect More From Others Because We Would Be Willing to Do That Much for Them”. True, I do that always. While doing that, there is a risk that people take me differently. I have given everything for things that I have loved and for things that are not in my list of priority, I totally cut them off. This is not my strength or weakness but just my habit. And again, there is a risk that people take me differently for it. But I know those who love me will love me for everything I do and probably do not need a reason to love me. And for those who want to hate me, they will find a reason to hate me or go away from me for everything.

So many times I felt like giving up on so many different things. I kept on hanging on till I saw a better ending. This just doesn’t happen when it comes to love. I always believed that one should never give up when there is a slightest of doubt of if you love her or not. Ah, not the case this time.

I apologized and it was taken as a proof that I was the one to make mistake. I wrote words to say how much I love and I was blamed that I don’t put anything to my action. Ah, even if I paint the world with my blood, you will still blame me why the colors aren’t that dark red. I came back to you again and again and you took me for granted. I was never perfect for you. Never.

This time, it’s not about how many pieces the heart has turned to. It was always broken and was always shattered. This time, the pieces don’t fit together anymore. You know it’s time to hang on the boot when the small fights that used to increase the sense of attachment increase the sense of guilt. You know it’s time to quit when the fight you are doing for a better relationship seems a ‘fight’ of no sense to your better half. This time I have been knocked down so badly that I don’t even want to backup. The feeling of being misunderstood, the feeling of loneliness despite being two and the feeling of not being needed kills. Don’t they say love is all about disappearing in the world of two by forgetting the outer world? Don’t they say love is being one when the outer world is trying to divide you? How wrong were they?

I know that we not gonna make it any more. But that won’t make me love you less. I know there is no control to this heart that once was your place to live. You got all the freedom to fly and probably live your life you always wanted to. And I have so many questions to answer about. I wasn't good enough but I never thought we will end up for like this. I never thought I will have no courage to come to you and speak up again. But today, I can put a brave face and say that once upon time you were mine. And I was the only thing you ever wanted.

I may never know how to love but I do not know how to hate you. But I am learning how to let go. You meant everything to me but if we can't make it work, it's time to set you free. You were and you will always be the one best thing that I never had. And with you gone, this so called short life looks terribly long with each passing days.

Shwadhin

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चाहना

हजार चाहना थिए,
हर चाहना मा तिम्रो नाम थिए,
तिम्रो प्रेम मा पागल थिए,
तिम्रो प्रेम मा बद्नाम थिए,
नजर भित्र राख्दा राख्दै,
नजर बाट टाढा गयौ,
निकाली दिए आँखा हरु,
यी आँखा को अब के काम थिए।

- स्वाधिन

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Life

It just feels like yesterday when you were by the bed side cuddling me. It just feels like yesterday when I was putting my arms around you tightly just to express how much I missed you when you were not with me. Today, I stand alone and all I have are memories.

Where did I go wrong? Probably, in so many different places. With time I changed. With time, the devil within me just couldn't content with little damage. But with time, I did come closer to you. With time, I started learning that either it's your or it's no one else. I am not perfect. I have made so many mistakes but I never wanted to be like this. The pressure of trying too hard and not getting what I wanted got me down.

Every single moment, I feel like dialing your number and talking with you. But I know that would just hurt you. I could never give you happiness with my presence in your life. And if you think my absence will open up many doors for your happiness, I will keep that chance to make you happy.

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Dotted lines

No matter how much I try to deceive myself, my heart does know that you are the only thing that I ever needed. Lonely, and guilty............just can't run away from my mistakes, can I?

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Perspective

I just wanted to say thank you to you for giving me all the love and support. I know you aren’t perfect. I know you may not be the best in this world. I know there might be better women than you. But I know there can never be any better women than you for me. You bestowed me with everything I ever wished. I never come back to say thank you or probably I don’t feel the need to show my gratitude most of the times. But today, here I am, saying you a heartfelt of appreciation for being with me and making me a better human being. I have blossomed with you and under you. Today, I have become better than yesterday. There have been differences many of the times than not but these differences have always shown how hard and how deep we stand for each other. It’s a different thing that we don’t know how to fight, how to discuss or how to put our points across to each other. It’s a different thing that we both have to win in our arguments. But it’s a total different thing that in all these we find ‘us’ living quietly and creating memories for us to remember. We have slowly become one. Thank you for giving me thousands of reasons to smile and a few reasons to frown that make me know that perfect ain’t better. And after a long time, I say it again that it is these little imperfections that makes us so perfect and keeps us so close.

Lastly, in case you have forgotten, let me repeat again. All I need is you. I love you a lot. And thanks for everything.

Sincerely,
Shwadhin Sharma

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